A Little Glimpse of Hell

“For a minute there, I lost myself”-Radio Head

            The last two weeks of June, I lost myself.  I did not intend to lose myself.  I intended to support Safe Line and help a few families in the process.  I wanted to help children on the Safe Line’s waiting list obtain therapeutic services while continuing to participate in community work.  I knew that many of the children had been waiting over a year.  As forensic interviews and case files began to pile on my non-existent workspace, I began to lose sight of myself and the reason why.

            I began seeing up to four clients a day for up to an hour and a half each.  During one week I saw twelve clients, attempted to organize a parent support group, struggled to write client reports to be allocated, and managed to set up follow up appointments for other clients.  I also connected certain clients with resources from local hospitals and Rape Crisis.  I was clearly making an impact on the caregivers’ lives, Safe Line’s waiting list, and building my understanding of forensic interviews. 

            Though I was connecting clients to services and providing a little relief to families waiting to be seen, I was leaving the office exhausted and disturbed.  I was not being debriefed or supervised by anyone at the office.  It was difficult to get answers to any of my questions.  It was also difficult to obtain information about how the allocation process worked and how to set up appointments.  I had to track down key forms and appointment conflict information that no one bothered to tell me about.  Some days I would show up to work only to be handed four new files and told I was seeing a client in the next five minutes. 

            With so much weighing down on my own shoulders, I couldn’t help but wonder about all of the other social workers in the office.  Who was supporting them?  How was each of them dealing with the stress of forensic interviews and play therapy session with traumatized individuals?  How could a service agency like Safe Line provide sustainable services without supervision for their staff?   

            I saw myself drowning…..and I could see everyone else right there with me. 

Secondary Trauma

            Secondary trauma is a phenomenon that is being discussed among helping professionals.  Secondary trauma is a set of symptoms related to post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in which a therapist or helper begins to change his or her behavior due to the stress or empathetic response to hearing a client’s story or trauma.  The symptoms vary in each person but can include sleeplessness, unsubstantiated fear, nightmares, depression, bursts of anger, and a lose of connection to people in one’s life. 

             Until my time with Safe Line, I had never read about or discussed the impact of secondary trauma on helping professionals.  I had recently learned how to accept and work through my own trauma and grief, but I had little understanding of how I could absorb someone else’s fears, anger, and sadness.  When I began having nightmares, outbursts, and gripping anxiety, I realized that I was not coping well.  My normal positive outlook and behavior was quickly over shadowed by darkness.  Day after day of listening to stories and pleas from parents, aunts, and grandmothers to help his or her child or grandchild cope with surviving rape or sexual abuse, left me hollow.   I began questioning my self as a social worker, the people around me, and the world I lived in.

            It took my support group (Stephanie, Scott, Kristen, and Taylor) and my CCS supervisors to push me to acknowledge that I needed help.  After an uncomfortably public break down, I discussed ways I could reduce my stress and why supervision is key to taking on interpersonal practice. 

The Plan

            My experience these past few weeks have challenged me to think about my lack of a self-care plan.  I was hit hard by working with traumatized caregivers.  I needed to think about what that means for my future work with individuals and communities. 

            My current thoughts are that I need to schedule in time to talk about my feelings around my work.  I can’t hide from the fact that I am working in a difficult field.  I also can’t hide the fact that I need to work through my guilt around having these feelings.  I need to think through these reflections and build up my own protective practices instead of preaching to others about self care. 

            Some stress relieving activities I need to build into my daily life are my yoga practice, journaling, cooking, and spending time with friends.  For years, I have placed these beloved practices on hold for the sake of “education” or “being too busy”.  Now, it is time I start giving myself some time to grow and leave work for the work day.